Elderly Wife's Confession

An elderly man turns to his wife and asks if she’s ever cheated on him.

“I love you,” she says, “but I must confess. I’ve been unfaithful to you three times.”

“What?” yells the man. “When?”

“The first time was when we were denied a mortgage,” she explains. “I went to see the banker, and I persuaded him to give us the loan.”

“The second time you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills,” she says. “I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free.”

“And what about the third time?” the husband demands.

“Remember when you ran for mayor,” the wife begins, “and you were behind by 300 votes?”

Porn For Women

Today is a very important day in my life, One of my misconception is removed and that was "Porn is Strictly for Men". But after watching this image i know there are few things which are porn and strictly for women.

World's Best Sales Man for insurance policy

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"Sorry, we don’t need anyone..." they replied.

"You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"

"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you I’m the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What’s that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here’s Mr. Jone’s and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s."

"That’s good," they said, "but what’s in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention –

So I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

Can I Kiss You

The train was traveling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman and the businessman returned to his paper.

A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"

After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"

"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

Liquor Prohibition !!!

The following poster was introduced around 1919 (just before prohibition started) and………………………

It's no wonder MEN kept drinking.

Irresistable to women

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Free meat for 16 Years

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

EVERY WOMAN'S DREAM HUBBY!!!!!

Women's Compact Instruction Manual!

1. Never do housework. No man ever loved a woman because the house was spotless.

2. Remember: you are known by the idiot you accompany.

3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

5. So many men - so many reasons not to date any of them.

6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.

7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

9. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

10. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

11. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

12. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

13. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

14. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

15. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

16. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

17. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

18. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

19. Sadly, all men are created equal.

20. When he asks you if he's your first date, tell him "You may be, you look familiar."

How to Treat a Rude Customer…

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Men are Men

How guys select the girl they want to marry.....

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new wake-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. The gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Guess which lady he chose to marry?
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He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!

Men are Men.... Obviously!!!

HOW HAPPY IS LIFE WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND

Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend is cool

1. You can stare at any Girl

2. You don't have to spend money on her

3. You won't get boring result in your board papers

4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing

5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u

6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy

7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring

8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u

9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore

10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life

11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for your date to arrive at some weird shop place

12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them

13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports

14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less

15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her

16. You won’t have to fight over having a 'special' friend with your folks

17. No nonstop nonsense

18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears

19. No tension

20. You can be "yourself"

21. You won’t have to hide your telephone bills

What a coincidence

Celebration

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"