I want to be pure

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

Funny Things Happen At Honeymoon

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."

This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.

She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.

She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"

He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

11 Mistake people make while making love

# NOT SHAVING

You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, its avoidance.

# NOT KISSING FIRST

Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

# BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR

Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

# SQUEEZING HER BREASTS

Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

# BITING HER NIPPLES

Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.

# TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES

Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

# IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY

A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

# GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED

Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

# LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT

Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

# ATTA THE CLITORISCKING

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

# STOPPING FOR A BREAK

Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

Birthday Sex

A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple inside the parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the drivers seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the driver's window and asks what the hell is going on.

"Listening to music" the guy says. The officer then looks at the young lady in the backseat points at her and asks "What is she doing?" "Reading a magazine of course" says the boy sitting in the drivers seat. The officer definitely suspects something fishy is going on and asks to see the boys license and asks how old he is. "I'm 22 says the boy" with a big smile on his face

The officer then asks "And how old is she?"

The boy looks at his watch and then proudly back at the police officer and says "In 12 minutes she will be 18 years old"

What a coincidence

Celebration

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"