Little Johny went for vacation

Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break. "We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied. "That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?" Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."
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While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing nearby. Eyebrow raised, she said, "That's my jacket."
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As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer. The motorist was given a ticket for failing to come to a full stop at a stop sign. "Don't I get a warning?" he protested. The officer replied, "Sure. If you don't come to a complete stop next
time, you'll get another ticket."
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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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Q: Why is sperm donation more expensive rather than blood donation?
A: Because it's HANDMADE!
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My wife hasn't spoken to me since the baby was born because of a little misunderstanding.
She called me at work and said her water had broken and I called the plumber.
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A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?" And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"
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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap
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A college coed finished her degree at a college in a small farming town in Oregon. Her fiancé had another semester to go to finish his degree and then they planned to marry in the spring.
So the young woman decided to get a job until her fiancé finished school, but the only job she could find in the town was on a farm doing manual labor. Her duties consisted of grooming the fields and ridding the crops of adjacent weeds, in other words using a hoe. Then came the end of the semester, and her fiancé graduated, so they decided to get on with the nuptials. They went to the courthouse and requested a marriage license. The county clerk asked the usual questions like name, place of birth, occupation. The groom to be answered everything and, of course, gave his occupation as student as that was his most recent occupation. The bride to be answered everything until the clerk asked her occupation. She thought about it a moment and then answered: "I'm a hoer." The clerk looked at her to be husband and then her with a dumbfounded look on his face and then she spoke up: "Well, it's honest work."
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Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything. So the next morning the first man went out. He didn't come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the
deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it. He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill deer." So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back
to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it. He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill buffalo." The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadn't returned they
started getting worried. Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened. He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...and...I got hit by a train."
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A fellow was walking along a country road and came upon a farmer working in his field.
The man called out to the farmer and asked how long it would take him to get to the next town.
The farmer didn't answer. So, after waiting a bit, the fellow started walking again. After the man had gone about 100 yards, the farmer yelled, "About 20 minutes." Confused, the man turned back toward the farmer and inquired, "Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?" "Well," said the farmer, "I didn't know how fast you could walk."
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Jim was in a terrible wreck. He was taken to the hospital where he remained comatose for two weeks and when he awoke he was ravenous. Finding the call button he rang for the nurse and asked if he could have something to eat. She told him, "You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut. I can't think of anything that you could eat in that condition." "Well, could I 'pwease' have a cup of coffee?" Jim asked through his clenched jaw. "We'll try," the nurse told him. "Maybe we can get a straw between your teeth." But try as they would, it just wouldn't go. Jim grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until the nurse finally said, "Maybe we could give it to you in an enema." She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim winced and drew up. "Is it too hot?" the nurse asked. "No, but could you please put some sugar in it?"
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Mary: Did you hear that Linda got a great new job?
Jill: Really? I wish I could do that. I'd like a change for the better.
Mary Well, you can always do what she did. Jill: What's that?
Mary: Don't wear panties to the interview.
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Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!" "He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked. Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'
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Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye damn near killed him!
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Who couldn't use a visit from the "Hot Sex Fairy"?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. issing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
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This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute. A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up
and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!" "Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?" "Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."
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Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there. Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits. Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it. "Easy,"says the priest."Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out,grab them." Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.He lifts up
her skirt and applies his finger as directed. Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?""