Showing posts with label funny stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny stuff. Show all posts
Some Differences
The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
The duck can fly.
A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.
Speed is life.
Altitude is life insurance.
It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.
The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Lawyer in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.
Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.
The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies
The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate
New FAA motto: 'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.
I give that landing a 9... On the Richter scale.
Basic Flying Rules:
1 Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.
Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt: 'You've got to land here son. This is where the food is.' The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.
Retirement Dinner
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people...... . '
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.'
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!! !
Mine Collapse
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole.
The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Lovemaking tips for seniors
- Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
- Set timer for 2 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.
- Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
- Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
- Write partner's name on your hand just in case you can't remember.
- Keep the Polygraph close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
- Have Extra-Strength Tylenol ready just in case you actually complete what you started.
- Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
- If it happens, call everyone you know with the good news.
- Don't even think about trying it twice.
USB Popcorn Machine
Cool video that demonstrates how to use a USB cable and the power from your computer to make popcorn.
Meaning of the words - Family, Wife, Husband n Hello
So long I never realize I don't know the real meaning of FAMILY ... Here is the Answer.............
FAMILY = (F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou
WHY does a man want to have a WIFE?
Because:
(W)ashing
(I)roning
(F)ood
(E)ntertainment
WHY does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
Because:
(H)ousing
(U)nderstanding
(S)haring
(B)uying
(A)nd
(N)ever
(D)emanding
Do you know that a simple "HELLO" can be a sweet one? Especially from your loved one. (I mean not only from the boyfriend / girlfriend)..
The word HELLO means:
(H)ow are you?
(E)verything all right?
(L)ike to hear from you
(L)ove to see you soon!
(O)bviously, I miss you...
Check your bride thoroughly before the final vows
Does this mean there could be some malfunctioning in other body parts also. Is there any drink to check them. :-)
Senator Admits He's Stupid
A clip from the film Religulous in which a Senator basically admits to Bill Maher that he's stupid.
Wife Gun Prank
A husband told his wife not to mess around with his gun, so when she does he plays a prank on her.
Funny Advertisement
What the advertisers might not want you to hear graphically illustrated in these funny pictures.
It's Cat Or Me
Butter Me Up
Smile Please
A Close Shave
Thirst of a Statue
An artist brought her lover home one afternoon. Amongst many statues, sculptures and paintings, she brought him into her bed and they spent the next few hours having a passionate roll in the hay.
As they were lying together in the afterglow, a car was heard pulling into the driveway.
"Oh no!" the woman exclaimed. "My husband's home! I didn't expect him home so early!"
She jumped out of bed and looked for a place for her lover to hide. The bathroom was too obvious, the closet was full of stuff and there were too many art projects under the bed to fit a person. She heard her husband come in the front door.
Suddenly she had an idea. "I know!" she said. "Wait here." She ran into the bathroom, came back with a large bottle of baby powder and moved a few pieces of art to clear a space in the corner of the room.
"Stand here," she said. "Yes, like that. Now stand still." She then proceeded to sprinkle baby powder all over him until he was completely white. "Now stay like that. You're a statue, OK? Don't move!" she said. He stood still.
Her husband came into the room. "Hi, Honey," he said. They hugged. After some conversation, they too hopped into bed for more passionate lovemaking.
A couple hours later, she got up. "I'm going to start the wash in the basement, dear," she said. "Bring the detergent down, will you?" She looked over in the corner. Her lover was still standing motionless.
She left. The husband brought the detergent down and then went to the kitchen and got a glass of ice water. He went back upstairs, walked around the room, stopped at the corner and studied the "statue."
"Here," he said as he offered the glass. "You must be dying of thirst."
The man stood still for another moment and then decided to let his guard down and take the water. "Thanks," he said.
"Sure thing," the husband said. "I know firsthand what it's like being secretly involved with an artist. Just last week I had to stand still for nearly three hours and nobody brought me anything!"
Busy at the Office
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