Showing posts with label office. Show all posts
Showing posts with label office. Show all posts
Salary Appraisal
A Boss looking through his Mail Box was astonished to see a mail from an Employee who was supposed to be busy working at Client side on a critical project. It had the subject - " TaTa - Bye Bye". With the worst premonition he opened the mail and read the content with trembling hands :-
Dear Sir,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving the job. The offer was too lucrative and attractive for me to turn down.
I had to abscond because I wanted to avoid a scene with the HR and you.
I am sorry but I had no choice.
The project is working fine. There are only 108 issues pending, out of which only 38% issues are High Priority. Hence I am sure there is no need to worry about. The next Phase of major enhancements I have been working upon, have been completed halfway. I am sure the new person who would replace me would not understand what all I had done so far. Hence, for his and your convenience, I have taken care to remove all the work that I had been doing this far for nearly 3 months now. I am sure you will appreciate my insight and "big heart".
I am off course retaining the Originals that I had retrieved for the purpose of Passport verification with me, considering it as a parting gift from you. Off course, I will not pay the bond amount that I owe the compnay (since I Am breaking the bond). But I will consider this as a parting gift from our Dear company. I moving out of town since the new company is situated in another City.
Also, I have changed my contact number. So you will not be able to get in touch with me, to congratulate me. But I know your blessings are always with me.
Last but not the least. I also have the 7000 Rs entrusted to me by our company's cultural events group, for the upcoming movie event. I am sure you would have wanted me to keep it with myself as an added bonus from our company. I respect you very much, hence your wish is my command.
I thank you for that in advance, and assure you that I will surely invest them wisely (but not in your company's stocks of course).
Don't worry sir. I am 2 years experienced now, learning so much from your company. So I will surely use this knowledge to write better programs for the new company.
Someday I'm sure we will meet sometime in the future. If you wish, I will surely be glad to give my employee reference for you to apply for a job in the new company which I am joining.
Your faithful employee,
S. W. Engineer
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PS". Hands still trembling, the Boss read:
PS: Dearest Boss, none of the above is true. I'm am still busy working at client side. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my "Request to reconsider my Salary Appraisal" attached with this mail. Please approve it and call when it is safe for me to come to our Office to discuss this. My respect and Best Regards to you!
Dear Sir,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving the job. The offer was too lucrative and attractive for me to turn down.
I had to abscond because I wanted to avoid a scene with the HR and you.
I am sorry but I had no choice.
The project is working fine. There are only 108 issues pending, out of which only 38% issues are High Priority. Hence I am sure there is no need to worry about. The next Phase of major enhancements I have been working upon, have been completed halfway. I am sure the new person who would replace me would not understand what all I had done so far. Hence, for his and your convenience, I have taken care to remove all the work that I had been doing this far for nearly 3 months now. I am sure you will appreciate my insight and "big heart".
I am off course retaining the Originals that I had retrieved for the purpose of Passport verification with me, considering it as a parting gift from you. Off course, I will not pay the bond amount that I owe the compnay (since I Am breaking the bond). But I will consider this as a parting gift from our Dear company. I moving out of town since the new company is situated in another City.
Also, I have changed my contact number. So you will not be able to get in touch with me, to congratulate me. But I know your blessings are always with me.
Last but not the least. I also have the 7000 Rs entrusted to me by our company's cultural events group, for the upcoming movie event. I am sure you would have wanted me to keep it with myself as an added bonus from our company. I respect you very much, hence your wish is my command.
I thank you for that in advance, and assure you that I will surely invest them wisely (but not in your company's stocks of course).
Don't worry sir. I am 2 years experienced now, learning so much from your company. So I will surely use this knowledge to write better programs for the new company.
Someday I'm sure we will meet sometime in the future. If you wish, I will surely be glad to give my employee reference for you to apply for a job in the new company which I am joining.
Your faithful employee,
S. W. Engineer
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PS". Hands still trembling, the Boss read:
PS: Dearest Boss, none of the above is true. I'm am still busy working at client side. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my "Request to reconsider my Salary Appraisal" attached with this mail. Please approve it and call when it is safe for me to come to our Office to discuss this. My respect and Best Regards to you!
Office Vocabulary
ASSMOSIS
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM
Career Limiting Move. Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
FLIGHT RISK
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."
GENERICA
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same, no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot
what city we were in."
OHNO-SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
UMFRIEND
A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend."
BODY NAZIS
Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
STARTER MARRIAGE
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
TOURISTS
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. For example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
GOING POSTAL
Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
ALPHA GEEK
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or
work group.
CHIPS AND SALSA
Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
G.O.O.D. JOB
A "Get-Out-Of- Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT
Entertainment and money
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM
Career Limiting Move. Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
FLIGHT RISK
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."
GENERICA
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same, no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot
what city we were in."
OHNO-SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
UMFRIEND
A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend."
BODY NAZIS
Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
STARTER MARRIAGE
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
TOURISTS
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. For example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
GOING POSTAL
Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
ALPHA GEEK
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or
work group.
CHIPS AND SALSA
Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
G.O.O.D. JOB
A "Get-Out-Of- Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT
Entertainment and money
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