I want to be pure

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

How much Control You have on your Wife

There were three men talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third man remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says "Well, what about you, what sort of control you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two blokes where amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."

Funny ways to commit Suicide

Your husband just slid under the table

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Make the whole America happy

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one American very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 American very happy". Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred American very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole America happy."

That's the ugliest baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot

10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?" 9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up 8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet" 7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap 6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!" 5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Lets go find that Mars observer!" 4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform 3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh" 2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport 1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"