I hope "He can talk"

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

You Should Write It Down

Couples in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast? Keep Reading A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well then, is she good in bed?" “I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!" Keep Reading Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." Keep Reading A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." Keep Reading Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'" Keep Reading A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "arthritis." Stop Reading Now you’re done!

4 liquid stages of life

Boys & Girls

The problems with GIRLS: If u TREAT her nicely, she says u are IN LOVE with her; If u Don't, she says u are PROUD. If u DRESS nicely, she says u are trying to LURE her; If u Don't, she says u are from CHENNAI.(no offence to Chennai) If u ARGUE with her, she says u are STUBBORN; If u keep QUIET!, she says u have no BRAINS. If u are SMARTER than her, she'll lose FACE; If she's Smarter than u, she is GREAT. If u don't Love her, she tries to POSSESS u; If u Love her, she will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?) If u tell her your PROBLEM, she says u are TROUBLESOME; If u don't, she says that u don't TRUST her. If u SCOLD her, u are like a CHACHA to her; If she SCOLDS u, it is because she CARES for u. If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED; If she BREAKS hers, she is FORCED to do so. If u SMOKE, u are BAD BOY; If she SMOKES, she is a GENTLE LADY. If u do WELL in your exams, she says it's LUCK; If she does WELL, it's BRAINS. If u HURT her, u are CRUEL; If she HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!! & sooo hard to please!!!!! If u share this to girls, they will swear that it's not true....... but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....

What is legal, but not logical....

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?" Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. " Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?" Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?" Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

HOW HAPPY IS LIFE WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND

Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend is cool You can stare at any Girl You don't have to spend money on her You won't get boring result in your board papers No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for your date to arrive at some weird shop place You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her You won’t have to fight over having a 'special' friend with your folks No nonstop nonsense You wont have drown in the pool of her tears No tension You can be "yourself" You won’t have to hide your telephone bills

Future Kitchen

Judge can't judge a lawyer

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!" Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?" The partner asked. “But I did send them," Replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the complainant's lawyer's business card!”