The Perfect Name

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?' 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.' 'What's your name?' she asked. He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer'

Power of Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. Said he: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!" Laughter and applause. A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" The wife went wan with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!" Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!

Are you a real cowboy

A Lawyer and an Engineer were fishing

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.” “That's quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.” The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?”" he asked.

PERFECT MARRIAGES

Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother! Why would you ever want to remarry an ex-spouse? It's like finding some sour milk, putting it in the trash for a couple of days, and then wondering to yourself: "Gee, I wonder if it'll taste any better now."

Appropriate Names

A young Native American boy approaches to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named ‘Mighty Storm’?” “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” “Well, why is my sister named ‘Cornflower’?” “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.” “And why is my other sister called ‘Moonchild’?” “We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived... Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

Old Lady Got Three Wishes

A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her. "You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen." The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash. "My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?" Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!" The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"

My Rezimay

Deer Sur, I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2. I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me. Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore anser. Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar. Sinseerly, Peggy May McBiggins Employer's response: Dear Peggy May, It's OK, we have spell check. You can join this Monday.

Made For Each Other

Joey was a great guy with wonderful qualities except for unbelievably stinky feet. Sharon was a fabulous gal with everything going for her except her terrible breath. Because of these qualities neither dared to date anyone. When they met, however, they knew they were right for each other. As the relationship grew neither could reveal their embarrassing features to each other. When Joey wanted to kiss her, Sharon would decline. Sharon would want to take long walks on the beach but Joey would refuse. Later they decided to get married and in their hotel room the moment that comes to all newlyweds had arrived. Sharon decided to reveal her secret and said' "Joey there is something I must tell you. I..." and Joey interrupted, "I know, you ate my socks"

Can I Kiss You

The train was traveling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?" "Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?" After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper. A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?" "Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?" "We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

The Before and After Effect

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."