Moment of truth

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Auctioning of Bull's

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and is watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"

The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

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Italian Time

Set The Ground Rules

The newly-weds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

"And don't forget that" he replies, "I will always wear the trousers in this family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never will if you don't change your attitude."

A Concern Father

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

The new way to eat Noodles

Blackjack Joke

One advantage of playing online blackjack is that you never have to deal with obnoxious dealers demanding tips. Here is how one clever gambler dealt with this unpleasant situation in a Las Vegas casino:

The gambler had a hand of 14 when he got into the argument with the blackjack dealer. The gambler says, "When I get dealt bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. By the same token, when I get dealt good cards, the dealer has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"

The dealer asks, "When you eat out in a restaurant, do you tip the waiter?"

The gambler replies, "Yes, I do."

"Well then," says the dealer, "the waiter only serves the food. He has no control over whether it's good or bad. A dealer serves you cards, so you should tip him too."

The gambler says, "OK, but the waiter always serves me what I ask for. I'll take a 7 please."

Marital Councelling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."