fact about husband & wife
* Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
* It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
* A man who surrenders when he's wrong, is Honest. A man who surrenders when not Sure, is Wise. A man who surrenders even if he's Right, is a Husband.
* Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding?
To tell each other affectionately... Sweetheart U R Dead!
* Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
* It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
* A man who surrenders when he's wrong, is Honest. A man who surrenders when not Sure, is Wise. A man who surrenders even if he's Right, is a Husband.
* Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding?
To tell each other affectionately... Sweetheart U R Dead!
* Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman
* There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it
* Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
* Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
Office Vocabulary
ASSMOSIS
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM
Career Limiting Move. Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
FLIGHT RISK
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."
GENERICA
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same, no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot
what city we were in."
OHNO-SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
UMFRIEND
A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend."
BODY NAZIS
Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
STARTER MARRIAGE
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
TOURISTS
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. For example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
GOING POSTAL
Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
ALPHA GEEK
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or
work group.
CHIPS AND SALSA
Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
G.O.O.D. JOB
A "Get-Out-Of- Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT
Entertainment and money
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM
Career Limiting Move. Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
FLIGHT RISK
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."
GENERICA
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same, no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot
what city we were in."
OHNO-SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
UMFRIEND
A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend."
BODY NAZIS
Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
STARTER MARRIAGE
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
TOURISTS
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. For example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
GOING POSTAL
Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
ALPHA GEEK
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or
work group.
CHIPS AND SALSA
Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
G.O.O.D. JOB
A "Get-Out-Of- Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT
Entertainment and money
Women's Compact Instruction Manual!
1. Never do housework. No man ever loved a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Remember: you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
5. So many men - so many reasons not to date any of them.
6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
9. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
10. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
11. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
12. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
13. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
14. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
15. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
16. The children of
17. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
18. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
19. Sadly, all men are created equal.
20. When he asks you if he's your first date, tell him "You may be, you look familiar."
Smart kid driving boss crazy
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."
Don't Lie to your mother
A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flat mate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered,’ I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat mates'. About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?' 'Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure' said Paul.
So he sat down and wrote: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.LOVE PAUL
Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.LOVE MOTHER
Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)
10 Stupid Question?
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
2. In the bus: A heavy man wearing huge army shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa eat pineapple or not. You bet I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a friend asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
At the blackjack table:
Q: When is the best time to split tens?
A: When the table is full and your buddy needs a seat.
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
2. In the bus: A heavy man wearing huge army shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa eat pineapple or not. You bet I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a friend asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
At the blackjack table:
Q: When is the best time to split tens?
A: When the table is full and your buddy needs a seat.
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