Beautiful place for honeymoon: Part 3

SWITZERLAND - Lugano

Artistic Wall Clock

Share a laugh........................!!!

(1) DON'T LOOK AT A NAKED LADY Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady? Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already! (2) NAMES OF WIVES A man had 4 wives, and he called his... 4th wife..... Baby doll 3rd wife.....China doll 2nd wife.... Barbie doll 1st wife..... Panadol ! (3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME This is how India got its name..... The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him "Is it in dear?" (4) RESEARCH FINDING Research shows men are fatter than women because every night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch! (5) ARAB MAN An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint. "Your name please?" "Abdul Aziz" "Sex?" "Six times a week!!" "No, no, I mean male or female!" "Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel!" (6) SERVICE Sex is like a restaurant. Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service (7) HAPPY MAN What makes a happy man? Daughter on the cover of Cosmo. Son on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Mistress on the cover of Playboy and .. Wife on the cover of "Missing Persons" (8) SWIMSUIT Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented? To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section. (9) GOOD AMBITION Teacher: What do you want to become? Little Johnny: Doctor !! Teacher: Why? Little Johnny: Because its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it. (10) DENTIST Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed." Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly." (11) VIRGIN Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read : BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN. The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED " (12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL 75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr old girl. On their first night both were crying..........Why??? Because she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything.

Management

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell me where i am?" The man below says "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field". "You must work in technical support," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless." The man below says: "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Few Definitions

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays. Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich. Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters. Divorce: Future tense of Marriage. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Father: A banker provided by nature. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills. Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

GUTS & BALLS

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and then asking her: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, Smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

Polish divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? >Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? >It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? >No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean, what are your relations like? >All my relations still in Poland. Is there any infidelity in your marriage? >We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? >No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? >No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? >She going to kill me. What makes you think that? >I got proof. What kind of proof? >She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Elevator Conversation

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation. The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know... ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.'' The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... ''Double Income, No Kids Yet. " The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... ''Rich, Urban, Biker. " The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.LD.O., you know... ''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.'' They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What are you?'' She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.

A Smart Businessman

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son. Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice" Son: "I will choose my own bride!" Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son: "Well, in that case…" Next Jack approaches Bill Gates. Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter." Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!" Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case…" Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank. Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!" Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law." President: "Ah, in that case…"

DEAF GENIE

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!" The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Family Problem

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation." "A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married andI got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law." "Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother." "This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!" "And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!?"

Just for Laughs

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives. 1st: How yours look like? 2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours? 1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!! ************************************************************************************ Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend to death. Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends". ************************************************************************************ Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother" Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER" ************************************************************************************ What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress ************************************************************************************ Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? "Without Information Fighting Everytime" Wife replies," No, It means , "With Idiot For Ever !!!" ************************************************************************************ Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant. ************************************************************************************ Teacher: u know the importance of period? Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away. ************************************************************************************ Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs??? No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints. ************************************************************************************ Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential! ************************************************************************************ Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex. Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know. Mother Faints... --

Beautiful place for honeymoon: Part 2

SWITZERLAND - Lugano

How to Treat a Rude Customer…

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Hot Place for HoneyMoon

SWITZERLAND - Lugano

Wife's are priceless.... :-)

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for is wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." Wife's are Priceless, isn't it?

I'm a university graduate

Supermarket A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake, and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets. Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor." The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate." The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you are a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it." =============================================================== Turkey A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks, "Do you have any turkey?" The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs three kilogrammes. The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?" The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scales now show four kilogrammes. "That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please." =============================================================== Doctor and lawyer A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. As they talked they were constantly interupted by people describing their health problems and asking the doctor for medical advice. After an hour of this the doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" The lawyer replied, "I give them the advice, and then the next day I send them a bill for the advice. They pay the bill, and never ask me for advice outside the office again." The doctor was shocked but decided to try it. The next day while the doctor was preparing the new bills the postman pushed a letter through his letterbox. The doctor opened the envelope and inside found a bill from the lawyer. =============================================================== Best worker Two workers meet one day in the canteen at work. One says to the other, "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the company died at the weekend." The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him." "What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first. "Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's best workers', and I want to know who it was." =============================================================== Magic While on holiday in Las Vegas a couple went to see a magic show. After one of the tricks the woman shouted out, "How did you do that?" The magician replied, "I could tell you, madam, but if I did then I would have to kill you." The woman thought for a few seconds and then shouted back, "Okay,then tell my husband how you did it."

Are you feeling better now?

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

Beautiful Sketch of Jesus

Men are Men

How guys select the girl they want to marry..... A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new wake-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. The gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money. Guess which lady he chose to marry? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > He married the most beautiful one!!!!!! Men are Men.... Obviously!!!

LJ: I know Everything

Little Johnny comes down for breakfast and his mom is in a bad mood. After a few bites of cereal he asks his mom "How old are you?" Mom gets mad and tells him "that is an impolite question to ask a woman", Johnny thinks for a minute then asks "How much do you weigh Mom?" she almost loses it and tells him off again. Johnny then asks" Mom how come you and Dad got a divorce" Mom loses it and sends Johnny to school. At school after telling his friends what happened one little boy told Johnny to sneak into his Mom's purse and all the answers would be on her driving license. Next morning Johnny comes down for breakfast and says "Mom I know how old you are, you're 28" "How do you know that?" she replys. "I'm not stupid you know, I also know how much you weigh; 127 Lbs." Mom is amazed and then Johnny says "I also know why you and Dad divorced, you got an F in sex"

Some jokes to brighten your day!

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past. Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history. Teacher: Why? Student: There is no future in it. ................................................................. Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have? Ted: $10. Teacher: You don't know maths. Ted: You don't know my father! ...................................................................... Mother: David, come here. David: Yes, mum? Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse. David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow. Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now. ...................................................................... Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test? Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8 Father: So? Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer? ...................................................................... A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were Watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father. Daughter: It's mummy! Father: How do you know? Daughter: She didn't say anything. ...................................................................... Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Yes Dear Girl: Would you die for me? Boy: No, mine is undying love -------------------------------------------------- Man: How old is your father? Boy: As old as me Man: How can that be? Boy: He became a father only when I was born -------------------------------------------------- Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg. Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card. ------------------------------------------ Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog! -------------------------------------------------- Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything! Son: That's why I say she's no good! -------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Where were u born?" Student: "Singapore, Sir." Teacher: "Which part?" Student: "All of me, Sir." ---------------------------------------------------- A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' And 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher. "'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is A sick eagle." --------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?" Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir." Teacher: "Use your dad's then." Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir." ---------------------------------------------------- A boy came home from school with his exam results. "What did u get?" asked his father. "My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do u mean 'under water'?" "They are all below 'C' level"

Who is the best.... :-)

One day, three bankers, a Citibanker, one from HSBC and another from ABN AMRO, went for a walk. They were old buddies from school, and they were remembering the tough old days they went as students together. For no apparent reason, they went into a zoo and passed an elephant. Being from the same field and the same school, there is little bit of peer competition going on, so when he saw this elephant, an idea clicked the Citibanker, he said to the others "Why don't we prove who is the best among us?". The others, of course, agreed. Then the Citibank said "Let's make a test. Whoever can make this elephant laugh, he works for the best Bank". They all agreed and started. Being a pure logical strategist, the Citibanker tried to make the elephant laugh by telling jokes (In this story, the elephant do understand the language, boleh la). Of course it stayed still. As a more practical guy, the HSBC guy tried to make funny gestures... and the elephant still stood firm. Now, it's the ABN AMROer turn. Being the tomorrow -can- do- it guy, he whispered something to the elephant, and it laughed at him while pointing its trunk at him. The other two were astonished. How come this ABN AMROer beat them? So the HSBC guy said "OK, let's make another test. Let's make this elephant cry". So there they went again. The Citibanker told sad stories. The HSBC guy made sad gestures, and they fail again. Then, the ABN AMROer whispered something again in the elephant's ear and it just cried, weeping and patting away. This can't be, thought the other two. So the Citibanker said "OK, you've won twice. If you can win this test, we will bow to you. Let's make this elephant run". He went and barked to the elephant orders to run. Of course, it stayed still. The HSBC guy pushes the elephant and stabs it with stake to make it run, it stayed still. So...our ABN AMROer comes to it and whispers something again in its ear and the elephant ran and ran as fast as it could, as if it was scared to death. The other two surrendered. "OK, you're the best, pal. You work for a very good Bank, not even our global bankers can beat you. Do tell us your secret". "Well" said the ABN AMROer "The first time I made it laugh, I said "ABN AMRO is the best bank". "When I made it cry, I told the elephant how much I get paid".. "And when I made it run scared to death, I said to it, "Why don't you join ABN AMRO?"